6 Months Sober

Sobriety is not an easy journey to be on, but sobriety is the lifeline keeping me alive. During these past 6 months, I have been reflecting on my life, growing and changing as a person. I am learning to love my life in the process.

July 1st, 2022, was the day I celebrated 6 months of sobriety. This accomplishment is something that I am proud of, honestly. That is something that used to be hard for me to say. That I am proud of something that I have done. When I wonder how I was able to accomplish this the answer seems obvious to me. Every single day, I wake up and choose life. I choose me.

First Round of Sobriety

The first time I choose to become sober for the benefit of my family and wanting to stop the unsustainable party life I was living. I was using partying as a way to mask the internal pain I was feeling inside. I was trying everything I could to chase happiness and escape my demons. I was living in a tropical paradise and internally I was suffering inside. This period of my life holds some of the best memories in my life, and for that, I am blessed. It also holds the first attempt at me facing my demons. This method did not stick the first time, but I learned the vital foundations of sobriety and methods for remaining sober. Little did I know then, that everything I learned to stay sober in Hawaii, would become a part of how I am staying sober today.

Sobriety This Time Around

This time sobriety chose me. I did not want to quit drinking or change the lifestyle I was living, I was having a great time (despite the symptoms I was enduring). Being diagnosed with cirrhosis made it so drinking was no longer an option on the table. This time, I did not have a choice in the matter; it was to get sober or die within the next few years. Sobriety chose me, but I am blessed it did.

Looking Back at my Life

When I look back at the past few years of my life, there were clear signs that my liver was beginning to fail. There had been times when I would throw up red chunks and have blackouts from only a drink or two. Other times I would be completely fine. I was having allergic reactions, swelling up, and felt like I was no longer myself. This and the other symptoms I was having made it apparent that something was not right. I told myself then that once I completed my education, I will figure out why I felt physically horrible all of the time.

Until my diagnosis, even after all of the wild symptoms I was having, I did not stop drinking. Hell, I didn’t stop right when I received my diagnosis. I wouldn’t order drinks myself, but I would try sips of my friend’s or family member’s drink. I acted as if this behavior was okay. Then after learning more about my diagnosis, and how small and fragile the line is between a compensated (functioning) liver and a decompensated (not functioning) liver, I decided it was time to quit. That fine line is one that I want nothing to do with. Researching the inner workings of liver disease has become my version of a scare straight program. Going down the path of possible phases of liver disease that is prior to qualifying for a liver transplant, is terrifying, to say the least. That quality of life is not something I want for myself. So I will live a life of sobriety.

My Last Drink(s)

December 1st is when I received my diagnosis and January 1st was my last drink. I was strategic in the way I executed this last drink tour I was on. One last top-shelf, skinny Cadillac margarita from El Charro in downtown Livermore; one last spiked eggnog from The Last Word; and my last time enjoying champagne for New Year’s Eve. I did not have a drink in between those moments. Not even a sip.

The last bottle of champagne was a treat from my mother. In tribute to ringing in the New Year with a whole new way of life, she purchased a bottle of champagne from France.

This Joseph Perrier Brut Champagne was wonderful! We enjoyed it. 🥂

Ending my drinking career on this note is a moment that I could not top, even if I tried. This is great since I will never try alcohol again. It was perfect.

Staying Sober Today

Did this method of becoming sober make a difference? I am not sure, it just was what made the most sense to me. Have a “going away party” for the version of me that I had to lay to rest, permanently. Some may not agree with the method I used, but all that matters is it worked for me. I had to allow myself to give the version of myself I had known for so long, one last go around the sun.

I wholeheartedly believe that I would have been lucky to live past the age of 30 if I did not find out that I have liver disease. That terrifies me. This is what I mean by “sobriety chose me”. In my mind, I have no choice, but to be sober. The only other option is choosing to be okay with my liver failing sooner and that is something I am not okay with.

Now we are here, 6 months sober and learning to love life without substances. Finding new focus, getting to know this version of myself, and having to face all of the trauma I suppressed throughout the years. For the first time in my life, I am taking the time to find what makes me happy and what is just unnecessary noise in my life. I am healing from the past while I am learning how to live this sober pure life. My philosophy of how I live my life has changed for the better.

Here are some rules I am living by now:

• If something does not bring joy into my life, I do not want it.

• If something does not serve me and my life today, I do not want it.

• Live my life with more main character energy.

Alcohol no longer serves me because if I continue to drink alcohol I will die, I do not want it. Alcohol no longer brings joy into my life, I do not want it. I will bring my own non-alcoholic wine to a restaurant and enjoy it with my meal without feeling shame. I order mocktails now and make it clear that I will not be drinking, unapologetically. Living my life authenticity has become empowering!

Looking for a fun substitute for sparkling wine?

I am always looking for a fun Mocktail situation. While shopping in downtown Livermore, we came across a new store that has opened, Bodega Bohéme.

For my 6 months of sobriety, my mother purchased from the store Töst Rosé. It is a sparkling white tea with ginger and elderberry. It was wonderful and the best part is it contains no alcohol!

The Hard Side of Sobriety

This process of being sober, and staying sober, has not been all rainbows and sunshine. This has been the most mentally exhausting journey that I have had in my life. Facing the nightmares an assault from college left me with, while sober, has been heavy. Allowing myself to fully feel whatever emotions that arise and going through the mental health journey of unpacking the traumas in my life, while sober, is a whole challenge within itself. I feel everything at a deeper level now and it has been a lot, going through the steps of healing.

One thing about me that you could count on, is when it comes to dealing with my trauma, I was a runner. Not only would I go out, dance, and drink my problems away, but I also would leave my whole family behind and move to an island. An island where I only knew one person and had no idea where I was going to live or do for work(true story).

That version of me, the one that wants to just have fun and not face trauma, had to die. I cannot run away from my diagnosis, it is not going anywhere. It is time for me to grow up. I can no longer live a life of “F around and find out”; this time the “find out” part, would be dying. It is time for me to face my problems head-on, that way I can focus my energy and time on fighting liver disease.

This experience hasn’t been all terrible. I can honestly say that I am loving getting to know myself on this deeper level and seeing where this journey takes me. I may be terrified that I won’t make it to old age, but I am loving whom I am growing into as a person. I am now someone who pauses to enjoy the beauty of life all around me. The narrative in my mind is kinder towards myself and I have grace towards my flaws and mistakes. This has been a blessing in this situation. I am now forced to sit in the uncomfortable and learn to handle it, all while remaining sober. To do that, I am fully owning my sobriety and who I am today.

That has been a powerful part of this journey, being unapologetically me. In the words of Lizzo, “It’s about damn time!”

When I look back and read this post in the future, I wonder what feelings it will bring up. Will the feelings I have today resonate with future me? We shall see.

Until next time,